love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
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Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I wish this was real life…
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said