I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
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someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.