9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
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I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…