When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
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Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
i smell a pulitzer
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.