[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
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You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
the official breakfast of 2021
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
The Birdles
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!