CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
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I wish I were this cool 😂
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.