Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
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A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Fights fire with marshmallows
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
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🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.