[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
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Previously On Persistence 😎
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
barbara was highly relatable
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.