“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
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My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right