Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
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It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.