Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
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Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Perfect
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.