dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
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15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
😆this is so true
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.