Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
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life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you