I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
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When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*