How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
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if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
and now we wait
$3 #books
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.