[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
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*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
それは草
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it