If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
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My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅