Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
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ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
the last thing a carrot sees
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?