[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
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My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
do what now??
I support this random dude and all his protests
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.