If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
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“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”