If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
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A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.