[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
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The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
This is sending me to another galaxy
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
RT if you know someone like this!!!
this is what they would have looked like, though
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair