hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
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Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”