me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
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ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
kitchen magnet
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Look at this