Best misinterpreted text ever!
You Might Also Like
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
If you need a laugh.. 😅
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!