Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
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Buck naked
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
i think we should see other cousins
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen