‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
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[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how