a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
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I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me