My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
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What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
So inspired right now.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat