HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
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“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.