Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
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angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
#Caturday
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.