“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
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I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
happy mother’s day❤️
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
a fate I wish upon no one
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
🤣
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”