The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
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[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Seals are just dog mermaids.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.