Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
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“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
still the best tweet of the year by far
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.