My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
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Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.