I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
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CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*