On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
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4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.