“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
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Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.