Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
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This is amazing.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.