[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
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I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?