Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
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Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!