Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
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My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?