3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
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{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.