them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
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THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.