Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
You Might Also Like
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?