[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
You Might Also Like
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔