You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
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my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways