Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

nobody: …

my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

Banderslack Clamberdorch

just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh

[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]

Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]

Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.