Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
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Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Do men still open car doors?
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Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Perfect
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up