I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
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Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow